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the_merv
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Name: Mathan
Location: middlesex, United Kingdom
Birthday: 8/19/1982
Gender: Male
Interests: Watching football. Eating. AHHH
Expertise: Woudlnt you like to know!!!
Occupation: Supervisory
Industry: Media
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
3/28/2004
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| I met this girl on my course. I met her on the first week and guess? Her sister died in similar circumstances to my own brothers. Many months and a placement later, we hooked up and I was blissfully happy.
A month later she dumped me for "not being the one" or some shit. I was pretty heartbroken even though we had been seeing each other only a month. I still feel pretty shit so I am going to the gym and going to buff up and fuck as many girls as I possibly can because girls suck.
I am genuinely a nice guy yet girls hate that shit. So fuck them. I am going to turn into an arsehole.
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| Been a a year and a half. So why am I posting now? Because it's been around 5 weeks since my little brother got a piece of rope and hung himself. He actually went through with it and killed himself. Damn!
He was 19.
He felt depressed for quite a while. However, during his life I didn't see it like that. Instead, I saw him as a pain in the arse. He deepely upset my mum with his vow of non-talking and constantly being locked up in his room without a peep. I didn't talk to him for two years because I was angry with him. Maybe I hated him? I don't know. My dad ignored him and called him an animal. Only my mum was outside his room everyday talking to him despite his refusal to talk himself. I didn't speak to him for 2 years (bar a brief conversation where he ignored me; told him to talk to his family again in a chicken shop we met at by chance).
"We found ***** suspended in King Edward VII park in ***** at 1pm this afternoon. He is now in ***** mortuary. You have our condolenses". I stared at the police officer straight in his face. My mum asked me where was my brother. "**** is dead" I replied coldly.
I didn't cry right away, but I never cried so much in my life.
Why did he have to die? Why did he hate me so much?
There is nothing I want more, I want him back.
My brother is dead.
Mathan
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| Why hello there. For future Generations dum-de-dum. Have started working now as a teachers assistant at this charming-yet-ghetto primary school teaching 8-9 year old kids. So, so much fun. Though some of the kids are so fucking naughty, jeez! o.O So, loyal readers, where have I been? Guess what? None of your fucking business. Had two weddings in the summer...well one was on the 1st of september...met my current girlfriend there...well technically at the "after party" ie the bride and grooms house. She is the brides cousin...and yes she is great. She inspired me to become a teacher. What a lovely, gorgeous person :) We go cinema every week, and go eat and she loves me alot. Feelings mutual? Oh yah. Kinda annoying sometimes but meh *shrugs shoulders* women, hey? Tsk. So, 2007 was a bad year until I met my current girlfriend. Don't know if I am totally over the debacle that was summer 2006, the American tour. Life goes on so they say, and I don't look back but live with my regrets. We live and learn. Last time i drop everything over something so frivolous (sp?) and then get so worked up. God, what a fucking baby i was. Wanting to do my PGCE in september. Then I'll become a fully qualifeid teacher. Wish me luck! Muffin the conquerer | | |
| 2007 mathan is still fucking lame. Oh when will my life change, oh one who knows everything up in the sky. Rocky 3 is on TV now, Rocky is about to be knocked on his ass by Clubber Lang. Yeah, so if you are reading this my imaginary (or maybe very real) friend, I am still alive. Still seraching. Live mickey live :( mathan | | |
| Not sure who i am writing this to. Most likely myself.
The last couple of months have been especially hectic. Its turned my head
upside down and i am waiting for an opportune moment to right itself
again so i can resume normal service.
Went on a little excursion. When i say "little" i really mean "a fucking
huge, totally out my mind" excursion to the states. Not sure why. Not
sure what i was expecting or what it would reveal. One thing though, i
thought this little trip would clear all this claustrophobia this
country gives me. I didn't anticipate that not only do my old problems
lie await for me back here (i was deluding myself they'll go away) but
I have found some new, exciting ones. Oooooh, isn't life just like a
box of chocolates.
Never have regrets, or so I say. Things always work for the best.
Certain events, certain people make your mind and your soul stronger.
Even if at the time you go weak from the sheer emotional exhaustion.
Chocolates----->box-------> random------> etc
So, i came back. From all the running up the Rocky steps, world cup,
head to myself, going nyc club, six flags, abby, anu, etc.
Searching for sazz at heathrow. And i was so certain of what i needed
to do. So fucking god damn certain. So why is my head such a big pile
of mess? Not sure what to do, where to turn. The claustrophobia is
eating away at me, as i have no one to turn to.
I hope the mathan of 2016 will look back at his xanga and laugh at his
own stupidity. How dare mathan of 2006 be so melodramatic when
2016 mathan has 3 kids and a family to support and a mortgage to pay.
As for now, the future is so uncertain and its scaring the life out of
me.
What did it reveal? dont know. Did it reveal anything? Probably have to ask 2016 mathan that.
m
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